My journey, I thought began with Lilies … on August 3rd 2014 3:20am in the early morning morning hours on a Sunday in Arizona I received a gift! A gift I thought at the time was ultimate gift …seventy-two hours earlier I brought my maternal grandmother, who I called Goose, home to live with me, as she could no longer walk without fighting for air…COPD and years of smoking had taken a toll on her once innocent lungs. Goose and I were going to set out, for thought would be long nights of story telling, giggling in our pajamas throughout the night about her upbringing and belly laughs to tears of tales of the little things or like She used to say, “the things I kept her on her toes about”, as little girl. Yes, we thought we would have months of bonding even closer than we already were…
The day after bringing Goose home…and me arranging… and rearranging every little thing… to make “everything” just “SO” …. See, I was the director and wanted the play to be “just perfect”. Goose had asked to go to bed, her bed, a hospital bed in my home… the hospital bed was the only thing in my once living room that was not hers and set up like she had it when she was home in very attempt to recreate her home surroundings. I guess I felt that if she couldn’t be home we would bring home to her.
I, very petite woman, with a bit of a struggle managed to get Goose in bed…. we were both breathless at that point but in the end wiped our foreheads, I let out a huge sigh of relief Goose was safe in bed, while she used the last days energy just to get in one more breath. I covered her, as she liked, a sheet with a light blanket and what she called a “throw blanket”, just in case she got chilly.
Once I got her settled and tucked in just right, I could see she yearned to ask me something, I had noticed this same thing throughout the day. She then looked at me, into my soul, with the most beautiful..yet tired blue and green eyes and for a timeless moment it was if our souls shared some entanglement of love, that danced to music, the most amazing music I had ever heard, whispers of angels singing a heavenly tune, allowing us eternity to dance for as long as our hearts desired, then with barely a whisper Goose asked the question that had been puzzling her all day…”is it okay if I never get up again?”…after a tender pause and some unhuman strength within me, I returned a tearful smile …and assured her that was perfectly fine…we held hands…both young and old and I promised her I would stay with her end and never leave her alone. Three days later… Sunday morning she left… moments after an intimate prayer I spoke each of her daughters holding hands, the one I dearly loved and thought I would spend forever with, my husband at her feet and me still attending to her needs at her side. She was Grace, no struggle, just went away….somewhere…so close…yet ..to some unseen.
See, I knew this was the ultimate test from God, I had survived so much in life from my depression…which trikled into selfmedicating…I cannot count the number of attempts to end my suffering, while making everyone possible crazier than I truly felt…still leading to hospitalizations after hospitalizations, actually became my vacation spot for quite a while.
A year after she passed I cover my cuts on both wrists with tattoos of lilies, her favorite flower….I have seen a connection with almost everything since then and my world 4 years later is unnoticeable to the once confined life i was imprisoned in. I have began to heal and have continued to grow in every way….I walk the peaceful path with lilies….
Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton