My disease kept getting bigger, with more imprisoned suffering than I could have ever imagine. I was trying every angle to ease my suffering, just couldn’t quite pin point exactly what the suffering was all about, or if was just one thing or trail of my colorful past, upbringing and relationships all in one mix that had a “hold on me.”  I would go to bed at night with so many displeasing thoughts cycling so loudly that my human, once sane brain that I could not keep up with the screaming bounds of demons the would run ramped in my head not allowing one moments worth of rest or clear thinking in any day or night.

This continued for years of my life with little relief from my symptoms even if I was breathing in sober breaths, my insides were getting sicker each day. There seem to nothing that would comfort my agitation and growing irritability with what my life had become and what I would do today to fix it, just to screw things up worse.

I am quite sure of the very moment I truly understood the ACTION it took on my part of letting go of relationships that were harboring such grief and insablity, leaving me and allowing myself to fall victim of this excruciating beating emotionally and physically. I was holding on to so much inside my body that was indeed effecting my outside life with others who loved and cared for me and supported me on my journey to wellness and destroying any possibility of success I may have.

I realized for once I would have to look at this entirely different and give up my old thoughts and actions, which were leading to an ultimate demise. Someone once asked my how do you eat an elephant, “one bite a time.” This hit me then, as I was choking on the enormous being all at once. So, I first offered one thing at a time to surrender, down to the very thought and just kept surrendering it until there was nothing left, I could no longer “carry this weight, this bleeding hurt all by myself and I humbly asked for help. It was then I could see that I could live life in the solution.

I was holding on the things from different parts of my old life and trying to fix them, God said “no,” my selfishly clinking to these events or relationships, I could finally understood, were not only keeping me living guilt, remorse and shame, it was stopping God from doing the work at the other in of the “stick.” As long as I kept try to force myself, others and a situation which was not willing to move, I was say that I knew better than God, therefore was not allowing the real healing in ALL people, places and thing to be worked through in His timing and Will. It was then, at that very moment I understood what truly and completely letting go means. It still hurts, there is no growth without sacrifice and pain, but I am able to live life on life’s terms and timing. I get to enjoy and truly enjoy the pleasures put before me with gratitude. I get to experience friendship, compassion and tons of emotions I am no longer numb to. But most of all I get to give back, love unconditional and not hesitate to look myself in the mirror and love what I see, just having self respect to know I am being the best me at this very moment as I can possibly be is EVERYTHING to me, I just don’t have to hide anymore and I get to feel that freedom that comes for that…it seems simple in a complicated world but it feels good today to have simple and just be ok with being ok.


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A Little Bit Of Hope

I am just a 47 year old blogger who is doing the she can to get through each day taking at a time, I am by no means perfect in any way, it progress not perfection. However I get to wake up each morning, stretch sit on the side of my bed and decide which pair of shoes I put on? I can choose my wear worn out shoes, with stain of memories  of the dark parts in my life that linger in my past, they call to me ever day as my disease thrives and tries to trick me to put those old same old comfortable shoes back to walk circles and circles.  it is cunning, baffling and powerful! Those shoes still sit by my bed but I don’t need to put them on, they are my past. at times I carefully take out these shoes to help other people, as a tool to relate because  I have been given a gift of understanding, walking through treacherous pain  of addiction, dragging chains on my ankles, a slave  to my disease is always hungry for more but never gets full.  That life style, that journey is a gift given to me, I can relate and be on a level because “I have been there, done that,” “I own my Truth.” I can relate to those struggles.

I have desperately tried, or my addiction  has tried, lying to me, “I can have “this” and walk a peaceful life, lying to me over and over again. This cyclic chain of events through valley so deep in my life that all that all that remains is Darkness. In that moment weather or not I was aware of these things happening that kept popping out of my head keeping me in my sickness. my mind was a merry-go-round of past and future stuff that I couldn’t control. It would keep me for days at time if I allowed it. The broken are warriors, they fight a battle every day just to have a glimpse of Hope, something that is lost when all is gone.

I love how people with a little bit of hope pull others once like them out of the fire. Victory reins down on us and it is then we get to live and feel alive. Its a rebirth of learning how to be a person, it’s like a child and one needs to teach how to walk and talk again. The light turned “ON” for me, I realized that I had all the people to surround me and love and cherish me, it didn’t need to be family. So many people have helped me along my journey and I am so grateful and humbled by the experience.  I find myself at times crying tears of gratitude because I know what humility has thought me.

It’s by never-ending faith to walk my path to my purpose that my heart fills over gratitude that I got to ride the craziest, colorful, and dangerous life to get to the clearing where now I have peace and serenity in my heart from The One who healed me. My journey is not a knife in my side, it is the Strength and endurance with my God that I can say these words.


Menopause Is Not For Whimp’s

To  tell you the Truth, I thought pasifires stuffed in a diaper bag, baby in my arm noticing the drooling down to my black slacks for work that I marvelously wiped off with spit tissue paper leaving a lovely off-black at tiny bit of tissue paper for my boss to see. I was doing such a good job with running out the door, when my  almost 3 year old started yanking at your shirt saying “I got to pee, I got to pee,” then pouty face says with tear all curled up brown eyes says, “tits ok I did it anyways,” was triple A ‘s in being a mom on the move!

So fast forward many years down baseball leagues, cheer try outs, proms, and graduation. Then to find how lovely and peaceful your life is, in all this spare time I have, geeze Wow…it last about a second before running the children’s rooms, going through albums and basic crying for the children to come home I am Mom, RIGHT! AH No they are off having fun Country Thunder and dancing to the Moon in Arizona skies.

Now mom is making out the next “let’s Gather” while snuffling her nose and eyes in a tissue she twisted and knotted so into catastrophe for the century that her child HAVE LEFT HER! hehe

Then Come the hormone changes that NOBODY has talked about while we women are all sweating in the same room….

More to come once I find my way out the Poise isle, just lovely