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LETTING GO AT LAST

My disease kept getting bigger, with more imprisoned suffering than I could have ever imagine. I was trying every angle to ease my suffering, just couldn’t quite pin point exactly what the suffering was all about, or if was just one thing or trail of my colorful past, upbringing and relationships all in one mix that had a “hold on me.”  I would go to bed at night with so many displeasing thoughts cycling so loudly that my human, once sane brain that I could not keep up with the screaming bounds of demons the would run ramped in my head not allowing one moments worth of rest or clear thinking in any day or night.

This continued for years of my life with little relief from my symptoms even if I was breathing in sober breaths, my insides were getting sicker each day. There seem to nothing that would comfort my agitation and growing irritability with what my life had become and what I would do today to fix it, just to screw things up worse.

I am quite sure of the very moment I truly understood the ACTION it took on my part of letting go of relationships that were harboring such grief and insablity, leaving me and allowing myself to fall victim of this excruciating beating emotionally and physically. I was holding on to so much inside my body that was indeed effecting my outside life with others who loved and cared for me and supported me on my journey to wellness and destroying any possibility of success I may have.

I realized for once I would have to look at this entirely different and give up my old thoughts and actions, which were leading to an ultimate demise. Someone once asked my how do you eat an elephant, “one bite a time.” This hit me then, as I was choking on the enormous being all at once. So, I first offered one thing at a time to surrender, down to the very thought and just kept surrendering it until there was nothing left, I could no longer “carry this weight, this bleeding hurt all by myself and I humbly asked for help. It was then I could see that I could live life in the solution.

I was holding on the things from different parts of my old life and trying to fix them, God said “no,” my selfishly clinking to these events or relationships, I could finally understood, were not only keeping me living guilt, remorse and shame, it was stopping God from doing the work at the other in of the “stick.” As long as I kept try to force myself, others and a situation which was not willing to move, I was say that I knew better than God, therefore was not allowing the real healing in ALL people, places and thing to be worked through in His timing and Will. It was then, at that very moment I understood what truly and completely letting go means. It still hurts, there is no growth without sacrifice and pain, but I am able to live life on life’s terms and timing. I get to enjoy and truly enjoy the pleasures put before me with gratitude. I get to experience friendship, compassion and tons of emotions I am no longer numb to. But most of all I get to give back, love unconditional and not hesitate to look myself in the mirror and love what I see, just having self respect to know I am being the best me at this very moment as I can possibly be is EVERYTHING to me, I just don’t have to hide anymore and I get to feel that freedom that comes for that…it seems simple in a complicated world but it feels good today to have simple and just be ok with being ok.

 

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A Little Bit Of Hope

I am just a 47 year old blogger who is doing the she can to get through each day taking at a time, I am by no means perfect in any way, it progress not perfection. However I get to wake up each morning, stretch sit on the side of my bed and decide which pair of shoes I put on? I can choose my wear worn out shoes, with stain of memories  of the dark parts in my life that linger in my past, they call to me ever day as my disease thrives and tries to trick me to put those old same old comfortable shoes back to walk circles and circles.  it is cunning, baffling and powerful! Those shoes still sit by my bed but I don’t need to put them on, they are my past. at times I carefully take out these shoes to help other people, as a tool to relate because  I have been given a gift of understanding, walking through treacherous pain  of addiction, dragging chains on my ankles, a slave  to my disease is always hungry for more but never gets full.  That life style, that journey is a gift given to me, I can relate and be on a level because “I have been there, done that,” “I own my Truth.” I can relate to those struggles.

I have desperately tried, or my addiction  has tried, lying to me, “I can have “this” and walk a peaceful life, lying to me over and over again. This cyclic chain of events through valley so deep in my life that all that all that remains is Darkness. In that moment weather or not I was aware of these things happening that kept popping out of my head keeping me in my sickness. my mind was a merry-go-round of past and future stuff that I couldn’t control. It would keep me for days at time if I allowed it. The broken are warriors, they fight a battle every day just to have a glimpse of Hope, something that is lost when all is gone.

I love how people with a little bit of hope pull others once like them out of the fire. Victory reins down on us and it is then we get to live and feel alive. Its a rebirth of learning how to be a person, it’s like a child and one needs to teach how to walk and talk again. The light turned “ON” for me, I realized that I had all the people to surround me and love and cherish me, it didn’t need to be family. So many people have helped me along my journey and I am so grateful and humbled by the experience.  I find myself at times crying tears of gratitude because I know what humility has thought me.

It’s by never-ending faith to walk my path to my purpose that my heart fills over gratitude that I got to ride the craziest, colorful, and dangerous life to get to the clearing where now I have peace and serenity in my heart from The One who healed me. My journey is not a knife in my side, it is the Strength and endurance with my God that I can say these words.

 

Menopause Is Not For Whimp’s

To  tell you the Truth, I thought pasifires stuffed in a diaper bag, baby in my arm noticing the drooling down to my black slacks for work that I marvelously wiped off with spit tissue paper leaving a lovely off-black at tiny bit of tissue paper for my boss to see. I was doing such a good job with running out the door, when my  almost 3 year old started yanking at your shirt saying “I got to pee, I got to pee,” then pouty face says with tear all curled up brown eyes says, “tits ok I did it anyways,” was triple A ‘s in being a mom on the move!

So fast forward many years down baseball leagues, cheer try outs, proms, and graduation. Then to find how lovely and peaceful your life is, in all this spare time I have, geeze Wow…it last about a second before running the children’s rooms, going through albums and basic crying for the children to come home I am Mom, RIGHT! AH No they are off having fun Country Thunder and dancing to the Moon in Arizona skies.

Now mom is making out the next “let’s Gather” while snuffling her nose and eyes in a tissue she twisted and knotted so into catastrophe for the century that her child HAVE LEFT HER! hehe

Then Come the hormone changes that NOBODY has talked about while we women are all sweating in the same room….

More to come once I find my way out the Poise isle, just lovely

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Kings Journey

This guy fell into my world by no mistake. I remember a rainy cold day in Iowa, my neighbor next door, Lola and I were worried about the Farrell kittens and the cold weather coming. We were especially worried about one very tiny runt, we assumed to be female possibly because of how small and frail this feral kitten was, we named her Lily, Lola being her 94yr old self said in just her way for showing concern and love said, “that one is very sick,” I agreed She was sick and need help, the trouble was figuring out a way safe way to catch her. I noticed her eyes had infection almost blinding her, the green infection was coming from her nose, and the dirt was matted on Her fur, to be honest it was something, well I wanted to turn away from, yet my heart couldn’t let it go. So, I made peace with the fact if she let me near enough to her, I would attempt to rescue her. A few days later I was cooking on the grill outdoors and She was near the grill. I could see that Her fur was covered in mud and wet, her third eyelid covered Her field of vision blinding Her.
I went in the house to grab something and say a prayer of kitten, my heart started to tug, I went back outside and found her huddled up to the house, I picked her up and told her, “I will do everything in my power and from above to get you well, the rest is up to you.” I knew not to bathe Her, as her body had no ability to keep warm, so we settled for a damp wash cloth to clear her eyes and nose, then wrap her in a heating pad and blankets. I made a mixture of wet cat food and water with a syringe and slowly began to force feed her little bits at a time. The next morning Lily was still purring with gratitude, I bundled her safely in a carrier and went set out for the vet.
I went to my best friend’s funeral before I could tell her that “She AKA LILLY” was actually a “HE” ha ha
When the vet tech picked up my tiny, not so good smelling kitten to be weighed and vital signs taken and said with a loving giggle “She is just a bag of bones.” The doctor came in soon after to find Lily purring his touch, he looked over Lily and told me that I would have a project and there was a chance for Her to recover, then the Vet had a puzzled look on his face and said, “there is one problem, you may need to rename her because She is really a He and we both laughed. Later I thought about it and chuckled and told the vet, “I think I will name Him King after the novel Stephen King wrote Bag Of bones,” I believe he found me at just the right time to heal the brokenness I felt a time. My best friend Lola passed away peacefully before I could tell her how We rescued a kitten who actually rescued me and His name reminded me that there is only one King. I had never felt so humbled, the first thing I did was thank God for this opportunity to be grow and be rescued myself and for that I am so GRATEFUL! 20190918_055957_resized (2)IMG_20191116_001057_990

What Does Domestic Abuse Look Like?

My recent events have taken me back to a time in my childhood that causes nightmares to this day.  When I was 12 years of age or so, it seemed divorce hit an all time high of in my class of friends in our small Arizona neighborhood and mine was not exempt.  My Mother had met a man in the healthcare field were she worked at a tiny hospital that took in enormous views of the sun rising over the Superstition Mountains. I remember the day I had gone by to see my Mother at work, she sat at a desk and a tall, male with what I could tell was brown thinning hair coming from beneath the hat he had fitted over his head that tided in the back, his skin was lighter with round rosy cheeks and his body had a somewhat plump appearance, which was covered in blue surgical scrubs was watching in our direction.  He slowly made his way to stand behind my mother and politely flirt her way as we were introduced for the first time.

The next time I seen the jolly man at my Mothers work was a few weeks after, my younger brother and sister woke me in the early morning hours peering through the my brothers bedroom door, a direct view to our Mothers bed.  My sister was the first to state with agitation and confusion that there was a man in Mom’s bed and it was not Dad, my bother, the youngest nodded with her every word to confirm that was my sister was saying was true!

Our once family and household had been tipped upside down very rapidly and it was not long before I noticed marks on my Mother, which she always had an excuse for having. Then the attacks became comfortable enough to him that He would emotionally and physically assault our Mother before our eyes. It was not more than a couple of months after that my brother was abused, his room being destroyed and him and his tiny 8ish year old frame be held off the ground by his neck.  Our Father came to take custody of my brother but due to fights between our parents and child support it was decided that the “girls” live with my Mom.

The abuse became worse and worse, then He made his first ventures into the room my sister and I shared. I remember the heavy breathing as He stood between our beds, I remember on some night I would feel so guilty to wish he would go to my younger sister instead of me. I would lay very still, pretending to sleep but so terrified all I could do was squeeze my eyes shut and try not to let Him see my trembling young body.  Some nights he would stand there for what seem eternity before he would leave, other nights it was not that easy for me or my sister.

The abuse continued with ebbs and flows throughout my childhood, never a word spoken about it, expect for one time my sister confronted our Mother.  It was easier to be quite than the be called a liar and trouble maker. He became a “thing to accept” for my Mothers happiness.

I didn’t think about those years much after I left home at 17 years old, see unlike my Sister I had blocked it all away in the deepest, darkest part of my mind in hopes of never finding those nights again.  It was not until adulthood, not too many years ago the anguish of ALL that happened came flooding back into my mind and replaying over and over again, I could not make it stop! I still wake from nightmares where I am screaming and I have soaked my night gown and sheets. I like to say I have forgiven Him, yet I find I have to continually say, “I forgive Him and hope he finds peace in soul and gets everything in life I would want in mine.”  It helps most days with the sadness and anger in me.  They say forgiveness is not so much for the person your forgiving, this is true for me, but it took years to get there and not a day goes by that I am not reminded of it for some reason. Maybe one day I will eventually have true forgiveness if I keep doing the foot work to keep my mind and body healthy. I heard, “there is a bit of bad in the best of us and a bit of good in the worst of us and we are all children of God and each have a right to be here, when I complain about me or about you I am complaining about God’s handy work, I am saying that I know better than God.”

 

 

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I Remember You before I Was Born

 

When she woke in the heavens, she put on her grey cap, she kept her gaze on the Lord; it was so bright, soft and SO much Love. She took a deep breath and a loud sigh, licked her dry lips and with barely enough moisture so that when She answered Him with a mouth as dry as the desert, replied, “I accept but I will not be able to gain trust, or for me to have the understanding of such things no one wants to talk about, unless I GO through “it” for myself, I understand my journey will be brutal at times, but once I have survived, from your strength alone from addiction, obesity and emotional and physical abuse, once I can say for myself that I have done what they had done and more, it is then I will be able to sit at their table because I AM one too.”
And So she was born determined to connect with people and teach them, love them and finally set them to free to Goodness. She came in aware of what her purpose in this world was to become. Her Hair stood fuzee and black, like the whistling of white feathers across the new born skin.
She looked into the Mother’s eyes and knew her projected energy wrapping me in a blanket of love by her very soul. The energy that surrounded her mother was misty white and gold with streams of red and it was then at that moment that she recognized her mother, then gazed to her left to see her father, she remembered she picked them before she was born, they were precisely selected just for this one mission . There were sounds that was unfamiliar sound to her although she knew she would be learning in time what her tiny body and mind would allow. Her strength herself was heard by the loud cries that were soothed by her mother.20180124_124643