My disease kept getting bigger, with more imprisoned suffering than I could have ever imagine. I was trying every angle to ease my suffering, just couldn’t quite pin point exactly what the suffering was all about, or if was just one thing or trail of my colorful past, upbringing and relationships all in one mix that had a “hold on me.” I would go to bed at night with so many displeasing thoughts cycling so loudly that my human, once sane brain that I could not keep up with the screaming bounds of demons the would run ramped in my head not allowing one moments worth of rest or clear thinking in any day or night.
This continued for years of my life with little relief from my symptoms even if I was breathing in sober breaths, my insides were getting sicker each day. There seem to nothing that would comfort my agitation and growing irritability with what my life had become and what I would do today to fix it, just to screw things up worse.
I am quite sure of the very moment I truly understood the ACTION it took on my part of letting go of relationships that were harboring such grief and insablity, leaving me and allowing myself to fall victim of this excruciating beating emotionally and physically. I was holding on to so much inside my body that was indeed effecting my outside life with others who loved and cared for me and supported me on my journey to wellness and destroying any possibility of success I may have.
I realized for once I would have to look at this entirely different and give up my old thoughts and actions, which were leading to an ultimate demise. Someone once asked my how do you eat an elephant, “one bite a time.” This hit me then, as I was choking on the enormous being all at once. So, I first offered one thing at a time to surrender, down to the very thought and just kept surrendering it until there was nothing left, I could no longer “carry this weight, this bleeding hurt all by myself and I humbly asked for help. It was then I could see that I could live life in the solution.
I was holding on the things from different parts of my old life and trying to fix them, God said “no,” my selfishly clinking to these events or relationships, I could finally understood, were not only keeping me living guilt, remorse and shame, it was stopping God from doing the work at the other in of the “stick.” As long as I kept try to force myself, others and a situation which was not willing to move, I was say that I knew better than God, therefore was not allowing the real healing in ALL people, places and thing to be worked through in His timing and Will. It was then, at that very moment I understood what truly and completely letting go means. It still hurts, there is no growth without sacrifice and pain, but I am able to live life on life’s terms and timing. I get to enjoy and truly enjoy the pleasures put before me with gratitude. I get to experience friendship, compassion and tons of emotions I am no longer numb to. But most of all I get to give back, love unconditional and not hesitate to look myself in the mirror and love what I see, just having self respect to know I am being the best me at this very moment as I can possibly be is EVERYTHING to me, I just don’t have to hide anymore and I get to feel that freedom that comes for that…it seems simple in a complicated world but it feels good today to have simple and just be ok with being ok.