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UNTOUCHED

Fingers moved, the right ring finger, then the one next it, am I AWAKENING and how long have been gone, off drearily drifting to a space of dream that finds comfort, comfort and ease one so desperately seeks, pictures like movies of memories replay in a cyclic adventure of what has happened, such fear and anxiety play over and over, oh I hope no one will ever see what my mind sees.
Some great imprinted memories in my mind, so precious to me, still others, feeding off what energy I have left. It’s almost as if somehow I have somehow found myself in the midst very dark place, eating, sleeping, intoxicating to find some comfort, while criticizing what little self confidence I have left. Although I didn’t realize it, you don’t realize it until the dark shadows fall onto one’s self and there is no light at all. My very body, weak from fear, fear of who I am and facing what is dark with me and fear of the learning the equally brilliant light that glows within me… Oneness, a light full of colors, a seed of Love, unending complex simple yet untold colors, a mixing of white phosphorous Light and colors virgin to my human eyes. It is an understanding “THIS” is the Beginning and the End. The language is simple, yet to explain with my human mouth, I cannot, the words or expression simply don’t yet exist in this world and not spoken with my mouth, a communication of vibrations to each soul.
I sometimes think life is about building walls so very high that not even a subtle glow can fall through the musty smell of bricks enclosing me, then tearing them down with burying the fear with the shovel laid before me. Sometimes it is safer to go behind the wall; we all do it in our daily lives without even being aware we are doing this. The trouble is sometimes one stays to long behind the wall too long, attempting to harvest feelings of security, comfort, hiding the band the emotion we are not ready acknowledge and wish will go away, this is “The Inner Side”, this is the most intimate place kept within, it is our very being…it is where the soul lives. This is where the battle begins and self esteem Flowers!
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Mystery Santa at HyVee in Marion, IA

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Yesterday the snow flurries brought more than a lil shivering and bundling up in jakets, hats and burr with every swing of the door at HyVee grocery store in our cozy little town.

I was so busy throwing groceries in my cart as the moon perched low in the sky and darkness opened the door to a slight but cold breeze that quickly chatters your teeth and sends a sharp chill right down your spine. This time of year seems to put a bit of a spike in our motivation to get things done.

As, I was shopping I noticed happiness around the corner near Starbucks, yummy my favorite place for a quick wake up, children…they were intrigued and giggling, they had the most inquisitive look on their faces, one peaking over his glasses to ask very specific questions back and forth with his parents and Santa and another bashful girl, clinging close to her fathers side. Still the magic of reindeer and a little menu preparation from the children asked sat with Santa and expelled the very wonders of what each of them wished to be under the Christmas tree. They finished sitting and talking with Santa about what gifts they would find, yet the children’s job was not done yet they arranged the perfect dish for a team of reindeer and Santa on Christmas Eve. I watched from a distance, admiring their sweet faces as they conversed with Santa and their parents about the Magic of Christmas. I could feel my heart pumping warmth to my very soul, something very special w as happing here in HyVee.

It was not until I went to check out at the register that I was made aware that where Santa came from was a Mystery. Apparently Santa had forgot to scheduled his visit to HyVee, making the Miracle of Christmas more of a blessing to not only the children but to all who had the opportunity to witness the True Meaning of Christmas…

 

 

 

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Continuing The Climb To Save My Life

11800176_937670689623157_3723908993361634760_nI have been to so many places in my life so far… some places I have gone to, I don’t wish to return, yet there are other places I visit often…I visit them in my mind, sometimes I am physically present but my mind is off else where. I SEE people, places and things around me and I wonder Why??? Why such chaos and desperation, suffering, school shootings, I could go on and on and how easy is it to place blame on someone else…See the blame or fear or whatever you wish to call it is there, it’s been created now. So now What shall I do with it…???? It is quite a boggling question for me, So I ASK THE WORLD AS A WHOLE, what should we do with it.  I don’t know much about somethings but I do know how to LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY … I have noticed in my life and my walk with lilies, that something special happens when a person is forgotten, deprived of survival tools to live and continues to love unconditionally and YES I mean love everyone, even the ones in prison or who are wicked in there ways Everyone deserves to be loved by something or someone. I believe we all need to be seen, heard and believed…that simple. I wish everyone a REBIRTH into getting to know themselves and having enough courage to learn and find our TRUE PURPOSE IN LIFE…I wish all the best to everyone…keep climbing, if it was easy everyone who do it, so yes you are special!

The Climb…

 

 

 

 

The Climb is difficult for me to share, however the power within me leads me back to the same mountain range with peaks and valleys are far as I can see. When I am at the very tip top of my mountain, it is there I can catch a glimpse of what TRUTH looks like for me. I have learned, in the last couple of days especially, if I am truthful, even if that very truth causes me to feel as if I were a delicate chandelier, made of the most beautiful  crystal with purple sparkles, Golden whites and starlight’s of  shimmer  right above a enormous entry way, with a panino singing the softest echo’s of all that has made me to be, only I am merely anchored with nothing more than  small string of floss…ready to sadder at the slightest touch…It is there I have Nothing to fear!

I remember waking to the day I it hit me with the reflection staring right back at me as I quickly washed my face and brushed my teeth, not wanting to acknowledge the 190lbs that I had weighed in on that morning. It was like I woke up one day at this weight, I couldn’t recall the events that lead to “me” I was just stuck with, well a 5 foot 2 inches woman with a waist measuring in clothing a 17 women’s. I couldn’t believe this was me, at first I thought is this some sort of punishment for the wrong I have done or I am going to become an even larger blob and how the heck do I get myself out of this BIG mess???

It was in this moment of thinking, a sudden switch had flipped… to be continued 180742_155747881148779_8007180_n

FROM LILY TO KING

This guy fell into my world by no mistake. I remember a rainy cold day in Iowa, my neighbor next door, Lola and I were worried about the Farrell kittens and the cold weather coming. We were especially worried about one very tiny runt, we assumed to be female possibly because of how small and frail this kitten was. Lola being her 94yr old self said in just her way, “that one is sick.”
I noticed also, that her eyes had infection almost blinding her, the green coming from her nose was something, well I wanted to turn away from… I went to my best friend’s funeral before I could tell her that “She AKA LILLY” was actually a “HE” ha ha
The vet tech picked up my tiny, not so good smelling kitten and said “he is just a back of bones. I named him King, after Stephen King’s book Bag of Bones…I was blessed by King…maybe his name has more meaning than the Book…more to come
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UNTOUCHED

Fingers moved, the right ring finger, then the one next it, am I AWAKENING and how long have been gone, off drearily drifting to a space that finds comfort, comfort and ease one so desperately seeks, pictures like movies of memories replay in a cyclic adventure of what has happened, such fear and anxiety play over and over, oh I hope no one will ever see what my mind sees. Some great imprinted memories in my mind, so precious to me, still others, feeding off what energy I have left. It’s almost as if somehow I have somehow found myself in the midst very dark place, eating to find some comfort, while criticizing what little self-confidence  I have left.  Although I didn’t realize it, you don’t realize it until the dark shadows fall onto one’s self and there is no light at all. My very body, weak from fear, fear of who I am and facing what is dark with me and fear of the equally brilliant light that glows within me… Oneness, a light full of colors, unending complex yet simple colors, a mixing of colors virgin to my human eyes, it’s an understanding “This” is the Beginning and the end…the language is simple, yet to explain with my human mouth, I cannot, the words or expression simply don’t yet exist in this world. I sometimes think life is about building walls and tearing them down. Sometimes it is safer to go behind the wall; we all do it in our daily lives without even being aware we are doing this. The trouble is sometimes one stays to long behind the wall too long, attempting to harvest feelings of security, comfort, hiding the band the emotion we are not ready acknowledge and wish will go away, this is “The Inner Side”, this is the most intimate place kept within, it is our very being…it is where the soul lives. This is where the battle begins.

THE TRICKLE EFFECT IN LOVE AND FEAR

IMG_1205THE TRICKLE EFFECT IN LOVE AND FEAR
How hard we try to justify ourselves Is this the answer to the question we all seek? We, as humans attempt to force, yes I mean force, others to understand who we are…We so desperately attempt to want others to know “US”, How we are so Great, Well, Loving, Healthy…I could go on and on. We, in an attempt to achieving a feeling of belonging force ourselves on others…and by doing so, we allow them to do our bidding for us…Why??? Because We FEAR TO DO THE BIDDING OURSELVES!!! This can be as simple as asking a friend to send a text for you because you are to fearful to do it yourself because the guy or girl you like is seeing someone else, using words and psychological manipulation to get what we need and want for our own purpose. This is our human side of all of us…perfectly imperfect. Our intent is to be playful, not thinking of the Whole Picture, what happens when this guy or girl gets the text? what happen when he or she is manipulating there current partner in an attempt to “try things out with you” …the mind starts thinking and the body follows that puts into motion our actions…THE TRICKLE EFFECT, a simple text altered some guy or girl emotions, which may hurt others down the line…setting energy in motion…could cause such harm to someone you dont even know.
I have come to understand that in life we can do anything based on two options. The First is FEAR.

One may base a decision on fear. We fear pain, discipline, abuse, relationships, new job, acceptance of who we really are…this fear starts rolling and laughing, spitting fire and hatred out, attracting mountains upon mountains of Fear based energy, rolling slowing at first like a marble rolling freely across a clean surface, as it is moving it is collecting MORE AND MORE OF WHAT IS LIKE A THE MOST TERRIFYING “FEAR” IMAGINABLE..GROWING IN ENORMOUS SIZE..yes, this is voice that follows you and whispers in your ear creating doubt, disgust, anger, hate and resentment. This is the outcome of making choices, decisions, and well it can be applied to all facets in life…we ALL know who this FEAR IS…he is the the monster waiting to take you, it does not matter who you are, your beliefs, sexuality and so on FEAR is waiting to TAKE YOU…he sits persistently in the concur of the room just waiting for that right moment to creep in and create a path of mass fear attracting more fear into your life! You will then be suffocated with people, bills, emotions, things, so on and so on…all attracted FEAR!
The Next is LOVE…Now if it is true that fear attracts more fear, then it is also true that LOVE ATTRACTS MORE LOVE…Yes, even if you allow yourself to love what is hard, miserable, toxic, hated, tortured …yes, really raw pain CAN BE wrapped it in a glow of the purest LOVE SOURCE EVER KNOWN here and throughout, it will attract more positive. That pain, weather it is from addiction, obesity, abuse, nonacceptance or loss. Whatever the source of this pain is it deserves to be acknowledged, it has been waiting to be nurtured by YOU, IT’S BEEN WAITING FOR YOU! Does that wound not deserve to be wrapped in Love and light to attract more and more love will offer a cleansing of that painful wound, it can no be bandaged and care for once and for all and be HEALED FINALLY!
We live in such a fear based world one often does get to see the beauty we were created for OLD AND NEW ways do just about anything is a choice…Today I choose to put fear behind me and walk with PURE LOVE