The Climb…





The Climb is difficult for me to share, however the power within me leads me back to the same mountain range with peaks and valleys are far as I can see. When I am at the very tip top of my mountain, it is there I can catch a glimpse of what TRUTH looks like for me. I have learned, in the last couple of days especially, if I am truthful, even if that very truth causes me to feel as if I were a delicate chandelier, made of the most beautiful  crystal with purple sparkles, Golden whites and starlight’s of  shimmer  right above a enormous entry way, with a panino singing the softest echo’s of all that has made me to be, only I am merely anchored with nothing more than  small string of floss…ready to sadder at the slightest touch…It is there I have Nothing to fear!

I remember waking to the day I it hit me with the reflection staring right back at me as I quickly washed my face and brushed my teeth, not wanting to acknowledge the 190lbs that I had weighed in on that morning. It was like I woke up one day at this weight, I couldn’t recall the events that lead to “me” I was just stuck with, well a 5 foot 2 inches woman with a waist measuring in clothing a 17 women’s. I couldn’t believe this was me, at first I thought is this some sort of punishment for the wrong I have done or I am going to become an even larger blob and how the heck do I get myself out of this BIG mess???

It was in this moment of thinking, a sudden switch had flipped… to be continued 180742_155747881148779_8007180_n


This guy fell into my world by no mistake. I remember a rainy cold day in Iowa, my neighbor next door, Lola and I were worried about the Farrell kittens and the cold weather coming. We were especially worried about one very tiny runt, we assumed to be female possibly because of how small and frail this kitten was. Lola being her 94yr old self said in just her way, “that one is sick.”
I noticed also, that her eyes had infection almost blinding her, the green coming from her nose was something, well I wanted to turn away from… I went to my best friend’s funeral before I could tell her that “She AKA LILLY” was actually a “HE” ha ha
The vet tech picked up my tiny, not so good smelling kitten and said “he is just a back of bones. I named him King, after Stephen King’s book Bag of Bones…I was blessed by King…maybe his name has more meaning than the Book…more to come
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Fingers moved, the right ring finger, then the one next it, am I AWAKENING and how long have been gone, off drearily drifting to a space that finds comfort, comfort and ease one so desperately seeks, pictures like movies of memories replay in a cyclic adventure of what has happened, such fear and anxiety play over and over, oh I hope no one will ever see what my mind sees. Some great imprinted memories in my mind, so precious to me, still others, feeding off what energy I have left. It’s almost as if somehow I have somehow found myself in the midst very dark place, eating to find some comfort, while criticizing what little self-confidence  I have left.  Although I didn’t realize it, you don’t realize it until the dark shadows fall onto one’s self and there is no light at all. My very body, weak from fear, fear of who I am and facing what is dark with me and fear of the equally brilliant light that glows within me… Oneness, a light full of colors, unending complex yet simple colors, a mixing of colors virgin to my human eyes, it’s an understanding “This” is the Beginning and the end…the language is simple, yet to explain with my human mouth, I cannot, the words or expression simply don’t yet exist in this world. I sometimes think life is about building walls and tearing them down. Sometimes it is safer to go behind the wall; we all do it in our daily lives without even being aware we are doing this. The trouble is sometimes one stays to long behind the wall too long, attempting to harvest feelings of security, comfort, hiding the band the emotion we are not ready acknowledge and wish will go away, this is “The Inner Side”, this is the most intimate place kept within, it is our very being…it is where the soul lives. This is where the battle begins.


How hard we try to justify ourselves Is this the answer to the question we all seek? We, as humans attempt to force, yes I mean force, others to understand who we are…We so desperately attempt to want others to know “US”, How we are so Great, Well, Loving, Healthy…I could go on and on. We, in an attempt to achieving a feeling of belonging force ourselves on others…and by doing so, we allow them to do our bidding for us…Why??? Because We FEAR TO DO THE BIDDING OURSELVES!!! This can be as simple as asking a friend to send a text for you because you are to fearful to do it yourself because the guy or girl you like is seeing someone else, using words and psychological manipulation to get what we need and want for our own purpose. This is our human side of all of us…perfectly imperfect. Our intent is to be playful, not thinking of the Whole Picture, what happens when this guy or girl gets the text? what happen when he or she is manipulating there current partner in an attempt to “try things out with you” …the mind starts thinking and the body follows that puts into motion our actions…THE TRICKLE EFFECT, a simple text altered some guy or girl emotions, which may hurt others down the line…setting energy in motion…could cause such harm to someone you dont even know.
I have come to understand that in life we can do anything based on two options. The First is FEAR.

One may base a decision on fear. We fear pain, discipline, abuse, relationships, new job, acceptance of who we really are…this fear starts rolling and laughing, spitting fire and hatred out, attracting mountains upon mountains of Fear based energy, rolling slowing at first like a marble rolling freely across a clean surface, as it is moving it is collecting MORE AND MORE OF WHAT IS LIKE A THE MOST TERRIFYING “FEAR” IMAGINABLE..GROWING IN ENORMOUS SIZE..yes, this is voice that follows you and whispers in your ear creating doubt, disgust, anger, hate and resentment. This is the outcome of making choices, decisions, and well it can be applied to all facets in life…we ALL know who this FEAR IS…he is the the monster waiting to take you, it does not matter who you are, your beliefs, sexuality and so on FEAR is waiting to TAKE YOU…he sits persistently in the concur of the room just waiting for that right moment to creep in and create a path of mass fear attracting more fear into your life! You will then be suffocated with people, bills, emotions, things, so on and so on…all attracted FEAR!
The Next is LOVE…Now if it is true that fear attracts more fear, then it is also true that LOVE ATTRACTS MORE LOVE…Yes, even if you allow yourself to love what is hard, miserable, toxic, hated, tortured …yes, really raw pain CAN BE wrapped it in a glow of the purest LOVE SOURCE EVER KNOWN here and throughout, it will attract more positive. That pain, weather it is from addiction, obesity, abuse, nonacceptance or loss. Whatever the source of this pain is it deserves to be acknowledged, it has been waiting to be nurtured by YOU, IT’S BEEN WAITING FOR YOU! Does that wound not deserve to be wrapped in Love and light to attract more and more love will offer a cleansing of that painful wound, it can no be bandaged and care for once and for all and be HEALED FINALLY!
We live in such a fear based world one often does get to see the beauty we were created for OLD AND NEW ways do just about anything is a choice…Today I choose to put fear behind me and walk with PURE LOVE


I had a vision of me, although my physical form was unrecognizable at was seeing from the outside… I was on a very large, rocky hill or mountain and I looked as I do now.  I had bare feet, felt ragged and tired and my gown was worn and dirty I was squatting or kneeling with my face down…A Great voice told me to stand, I was weary but stood up, I held out my arms like a bird..opened my eyes to SEE people everywhere running, fighting, evil among the chaos of the world…I held out my hands, my mouth opened and fire blazed from it continuously….like a dragon…then an Angel was behind me..He was extremely Giant…He had a double edged sward on his back..the case or what held the sward was white edged in beautiful sparking whispers gold that played the most fierce yet glorious music, Melodies that i had never heard with my physical ears …there were many more Angels behind him, so many I cannot count, all like him, yet He seemed to be in doubt of that…I looked out from the rocky mount I stood on with this miraculous, loving and Enormous Angel behind me, fire blazing out my mouth and arms spread if I am announcing that A GREAT BATTLE HAS BEGUN .


Sometimes its easier to fly away like a butterfly just after hatching from a cocoon, not a moment to spare with such eagerness not even waiting for the delicate wings to dry…white wings…opening to flight to soar so far from here… somewhere far, far away, where no one knows…it is a safe place…noone can touch me, see me or hear me, More important I cannot see, hear or touch them…I drift slowly into silence…no noise just peace… allowing the most purest light of love, one that I had never experienced before, trusting it as it slowly encircles me with a soft glow so Fierce, yet it delicately envelopes my tiny child-like body with a powerful white and yellow light sending the most magnificent rays of Gold down into my soul filling the empty part of me that hurts so much… I am sitting inside ..I look like a young girl, sitting this celestial bubble with my legs folded, crisscross, like I did in grade school.  I seem to be looking down looking at something in my hands that I am guarding, protecting it, so it must be important to me, but however hard I try I can not see what this precious item is.  I now am now protected from those who shout at me, they do not know they are shouting so loudly…my ears hurt from their voices, those who hurt their pain is so bad…it pulls me into their pain, those who bypass all and sing a different tune…they are READY, SET, GO, GO, GO…and keep on going and then there are those who know, they are waiting, waiting for what? They seem to know something is going to happen but what is it, what is going to happen?
Then the phone rings, I am back…back to what I do not wish to do …more doctors and more doctors, maybe they know whats is wrong…I feel it inside me its KILLING ME, I beg for them to take away my very pain…always the same answer, physical analysis shows that I a SUPER…if I am super, then why do I feel so horrible all the time? The pain in my body is horrible, the agony every time I think of doing something different shows grimaces on my face…Why don’t they see I am SICK? I am asking them to tell me Yes you need help…I offer you a helping hand, we can figure this out together…Then nothing. I don’t know how to tell them, to show them what I need and I am embarrassed, maybe others don’t feel this way? Everyone seems to think I am doing it to myself, well maybe I am maybe I am in such a situation that I can cause myself to be sick. What if the very thing I am thinking of is becoming my reality…What if I am becoming the very Sick thing that has been hiding somewhere deep on the inside of me “that one secret” no one must ever know…what if that is becoming my outside and making me sick…


IMG_1198What if we meet God everyday…I was having a “moment”, a moment all Moms get when her heart is so heavy it pulls all the way down inside by her belly, the pain only a mother knows when she hurts for her children. I was missing the sweet smell of my baby’s hair, the soft touch, its softer than cotton, my babies hair, I can still feel my fingers gingerly feathering the whips of dark hair, softly, ever so softly over my first borne head…playing melodies of memories with each stroke, just him and I, perfect even if just for a moment, breathing in the sweet smell of honey and milk from his breath and outlining his cheerio lips with my gaze, memorizing every detail down to what I called a” nipple callous”, it’s the little layer of skin on the upper lip that presents when a newborn is working their mouth to suckle his mothers breast…It was “That Moment”…I was pulling my heartstrings over all day long.
I realized, I had been turning this moment over and over again all day that I hadn’t had a chance to think about the growl in my stomach as I was driving home from work. I knew that I wouldn’t take the time to prepare something at home, so I conveniently went in McDonald’s on my way home. As I walked in the door, it was quiet and I remembered my first job was at McDonald’s I was barely 16 years old when I got the job. It was the year of 1988 and my belly bloomed about 6 months pregnant. I remember I had to tuck my uniform top into my pants just right so no one would know the button and zipper could not be closed…they didn’t have matuirity pants giggles. The same smell of french fries and floor cleaner lingered in the air.
I went to the counter and ordered two cheese burgers to- go, offered my money and took a seat for the first time that day. I noticed a man, he actually opened the door for me on my way in.  He kept casting glances my way, as if he might want to ask me something. He seemed to be just sitting by the door, as I think back now he didn’t even have food or a drink near, it’s funny I didn’t think of it at the time.  He was what I guessed to be about 62 years old, he wore a white ball cap to cover the snow-white hair, he wore a white shirt pulled somewhat snug over a round belly, He wore jean shorts and sneakers, I am not quite sure why I noted his appearance at the time.  I kept feeling an approaching question from him and maybe a hesitancy like feeling that He needed to ask me something, so I did was I thought felt right…I closed my eyes and silently prayed that if this man has something to ask of me, let him ask…Just then my food was ready.
I grabbed my food, almost disappointed to head out without talking with the kind man and curiosity had got me at that point, what was he going to ask or talk to me about…
As I walked out the door He held the door open for me to leave and as I passed by his jolly presence he looked at me… I knew… He knew…Then He let out a long chuckle of laughter..
It was not til the next day I understood His laughter as he let me out the door, then I began to laugh out loud too…How Many Times Have We Met God…